Sunrise

Sooooo, there is this dilemma; one that is fraught with many opinions and emotions, one that might make or break the future, one that I’m nervous to even acknowledge. 

I went through a really hard year last year. It continued for more than half of this year as well. The situation tried my very soul to the core. There are really no words to describe it.

However, there was this tiny little stream of sunshine that came at a point where I had washed my hands of relationships. It wasn’t overpowering, but it was there. It teased me. It made me wonder if it could actually start looking up. It made me want it to.

But as with everything in life, it was complicated. Life became happy and simple to me, but I knew it would be hard to understand for everyone else. My thoughts turned once again to dreams that had been shattered, and plans that were thrown out the window. It seemed surreal to me that I even considered it! I was boycotting that kind of life! I swore I wouldn’t be in that position again!

 

But here I am…..and I’m happy to be here….It feels different this time…safer, I think.

 

A dear friend of mine says that’s how God works. Just when you are about to completely throw in the towel; he gives you just enough to keep you going. (A part of me thinks that’s a little mean, but I get the purpose of it ha ha.) So I’m going to embrace it. And perhaps it may just turn out perfect in the end. I have a feeling that it might.

 

Stay tuned……

Change In Full Circle

Have you ever been through something that is so emotionally challenging, so physically demanding, so mentally exhausting, and so completely life altering that you feel you must adapt or literally shrivel up and die?
I've recently been through such an event, and quite honestly I find myself starring in the mirror at a totally different person. It leads me to wonder if such change is necessary in our lives so we can move forward, or if we are forced to change because of the situation and it's purely for survival. The more I contemplate and wonder, the more it starts to feel like the age-old adage of which came first-the chicken or the egg. Have I found this place of residence because I truly was destined or it? Or was this my coping mechanism that has now become my life?
Never in my life did I think I would be considering and thinking about the things I find myself drawn to right now. Never in my life did I believe I would need to. But here I am.
As I pondered all of this chaos in my head, I found something that put my thoughts to rest for now:

During my first semester of college, I had a class for my major that required us to make different goals and study them. We also studied the different goals of our families. Long story short, for one assignment we were asked to basically write a "mission statement" (for lack of a better term) that described us personally.

This is mine:

As a continuing student, changing woman,
Eternal daughter, and loyal friend;
I pledge to strive for my goals & always reach high;
To stand for what I believe in.
I will become someone worth mentioning,
I can make a difference to someone.
I thrive when others wilt.

When I found this I couldn't believe how much it still rang true to me. I'm sure at face value it probably doesn't mean much to the average person. But I am a words person. So each of those words holds a lot of meaning to me. I don't remember agonizing over my statement, it sort of just came. However, I am surprised at how much it still means to me.

So I guess after all this questioning and wondering, the answer I'm content to live with at the moment is this: We inevitably change throughout this life-sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Regardless of the reasoning behind the change, it is possible to always find your initial truth somewhere deep down inside. And after re-examining mine, I realized that everything I have done up to this point in time, has struck parallel to that which I pledged. The change has come full circle.

Okay

I AM ME

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me.

Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine

Because I alone chose it--I own everything about me;

My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,

Whether they be to others or to myself-I own my fantasies,

My dreams, my hopes, my fears--I own all my triumphs and 

Successes, all my failures and mistakes--Because I own all of 

Me. I can become intimately acquainted with me--By so doing

I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts--I know

There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other

Aspects that I do not know -But as long as I am 

Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously

And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzle

And for ways to find out more about me-However I 

Look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever

I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically

me-If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is
Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that
Which I discarded--I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,
And to make sense and order out of the world of
People and things outside of me--I own me, and therefore
I can engineer me--I am me and
I AM OKAY